"I swear to god if you don't finish your lunch, take your medicine and get in the shower I am going to take the battery out of your scooter and ground you from working in the greenhouse for a week," I yelled over the sound of the TV that was set to old lady volume (highest possible) and the Alexa that was blaring Elvis as Lil Bit continued to fuss with caladiums that we had planted in her inside raised beds.
It was in that moment that I finally realized that I had become the parent to my mother in this dynamic and I didn't like it.
At all.
It sucks.
BIG time. Like finding out that your elderly dog peed on all your Christmas presents when you were five. Been there. Done that.
But it's necessary. And in order to really take care of Lil Bit I had to accept it and fight her for the crown. To protect her and to help her I had to become a parent to a 73 year old teenager with an IRA.
It's wasn't easy. The war has been fierce - fought through battles of attrition, stubbornness and wills & unfortunately there are no UN Peacekeepers and Jimmy Carter didn't have time to negotiate a cease fire.
She is now paying me back for every. single. thing. I. ever. did. as. a. kid. EVERY THING.
Got to the lake house with girlfriends, start medicating yourself, max out your credit card, forget the checks you signed and have the pharmacy call you because she called in a prescription for herself? Yep. That has to be payback for the time you told her you were spending the night at a friend's and instead were throwing a raging party for 200+ of your closest friends at the river place. Right?
Accidentally press your life alert while leaving the clinic, accidentially leave it at the liquor store and then triggering the cops and EMTs to be called to said liquor store when no one picked up, triggering your son to run out of work to drive to meet them at the hospital and then a city wide search only to find her in the garden? Got to be payback for running that side business writing term papers in high school.
Driving the car into a Sonic menu board and blaming the dog only to find out she was talking on the phone which you had expressly forbidden while driving? Karma for that time you scraped the side of her car with your truck and blamed a cow.
Calling you twice during an executive meeting and then sending a 911 text that of course you run out of the meeting to find out what is going on to be told that she and her best friend are out of cookies and need more? Screw you universe...didn't really need you to point out that it was bad when I called my Mom during the day while she was working for unimportant things.
Leaving a bag of "toys" in the closet for you to find when organizing clothes and trying to find the good sheets she wants on the guest bed for your aunt who is coming to visit? Definitely cosmic retribution for that slutty phase you went through in college.
And on. And on. And on.
The best have to be the battle of wills. As Saint says "you are both the most stubborn damned people I have ever met and when I am stuck between the two of you I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place & just might die in the crossfire."
No, Momma, we don't need to buy two new golf carts. And then she buys them. And I return them and maybe threaten the store owner.
No, Momma, you doctor said you don't need to take all these supplements. Then you find the fiber pills hidden in a Tylenol bottle. (she never figured out why the vodka was really weak when I was in high school; always replace clear alcohols with water kids - because when you're drunk watered down vodka tastes just like vodka.)
No, Momma, we don't need to start a medical marijuana grow in the greenhouse. Yes, I found plants. Not sure where they came from. Through them on the fire pit and inhaled. I deserved it.
No, Momma, we don't need more bird feeders. We already have 78 bird feeders. Yep, she who can't work the tv remote figured out that Amazon sells them and charged 55 bird feeders to your credit card.
No.
But I want it.
NO.
BUT I WANT IT.
It's like having a toddler in a toy store. All the time. It sucks.
But it's necessary. And vital. You have to set the rules, you have to enforce them. You have to make sure they brush their teeth, take their pills and eat their vegetables. Manage the money. Buy the groceries. Buy bras and panties when they need more and then have them tell you that you bought the wrong panties in the middle of Attwood's in front of a lot of people.
Buckle up caregiving buttercups. It's a bouncing 125 pound baby girl and she's all yours.
Welcome to parenthood.
Lil Bit as a kid. Same up to no good look I see every time I am with her.
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