She's Not There

Life is often made up of mirrors.

Actions have reactions that are often mirror images of those original actions.

Sins visited upon us as children are mirrored as sins that we visit upon others as we grow up.

The feeling that sticks out the most to me from my childhood is loneliness and my mom not being there. We’ll talk about loneliness later.

Holidays, doctor’s appointments, school events, cattle shows, weekday nights and whole weekends – Lil Bit was not there. Being a surgeon in a small town and a parent are not really two things that go together well.

When faced with the hard choice between watching a 7-year-old school play (which let’s be honest is not something that anyone wants to do and should be considered a war crime) and saving someone who just wrapped their car around a tree and ruptured their spleen, Lil Bit always made the right choice even though it hurt her children.

And, of course, being selfish tiny humans myself and my siblings would hold this against her – some forever and some of us until we reached an age where we realized all the things that she missed getting to be a part of and see.

And how that must have made HER feel.

And while the hurt is now more bittersweet than bitter, that couldn’t help the lonely little boy who looked out into the crowd and realized that yet again, she’s not there.

Fast forward about 35 years to a cold winter night and the mirror image appears.

As I prepare to leave Momma after a weekend of taking care of her, I lean down to give her a hug, kiss her on the forehead and tell her I love her when I look into her eyes and realize she’s not there.

Physically she was right in front of me, but her spirit, the fire in her eyes, her joy, her personality, her memories … her – they weren’t there.

I reached down to hug her a little bit tighter and fled before the tears began to fall.

The dementia has won for now.

She’ll be back, somewhat, the next time I see her, but the hurt of realizing that 77 years of someone…

… their happiness, sadness, experiences, victories, heartbreaks and all the other things that make us, us, can be wiped away in an instant?

That’s something that will stay with me forever.

Until at least, I’m not there.