"No! That water is for you to be able to poop!"
This is it.
This is the breaking point.
This is the moment that I metaphorically lose my shit dealing with actual shit.
I have just played in the Super Bowl, World Series and Olympics of caregiving all rolled into one.
Caregiving for Lil Bit during two winter storms with no backup.
I have been broken into a million billion little pieces; I've never been as emotionally and physically chewed up, spit out and kicked in the crotch.
Let's roll the tape to see how we got to this moment.
Nine Days Before Storm Alpha
"Looks like we may be in for some rough winter weather," I remark over dinner.
"We'll see," The Saint says. "You know they can't predict that stuff this far out. Let me check the competitions app." He likes to push buttons...well more like punching them.
Five Days Before Storm Alpha
Storms are lining up. Looks like we're going to get slammed pretty hard. We better get things ready.
Whatever. We've still got time. And they could still be wrong.
Day Before and Day of Storm Alpha
Greenhouse at Lil Bit's all good? Check!
Momma's house stocked with food? Check!
Ice falling from the sky as you rush home to make sure your house is ok? Check
Heaters in stock tanks? Check!
Heaters in well houses? Check!
Barn door destroyed and finger smashed & cut to shreds rushing to put out hay? Check and Check!
Three Days After Storm Alpha; Two Days Until Storm Beta
Looks like we made it through with everything ok - no damage. Woohoo! I'm going to go ahead and stock up on Amazon so Lil Bit's house is ready for the next storm and get some back up heaters for our house. Plenty of time for it all to get here before the next storm.
Well, I just tempted mother fucking fate.
Four hours later...WHY IS THERE WATER FLOODING OUT OF THE WELL HOUSE?
Day Before Storm Beta
Ok, so the space heater in the main well house crapped out. I think the one in south well house is going to be fine, but just in case the new one from Amazon should be here before the real cold hits. They've moved up the storm timeline to hit tonight so I will go ahead and take a bag to Momma's and stay the night so I don't have to drive through the storm tomorrow morning to get back. I should be able to come back in a couple of days.
Obviously I learned nothing from the well house incident because I just upped the ante on on tempting fate yet again.
Night Before Storm Beta
Ok Lil Bit...all the bird feeders are full, new heated kitty hotel is up, greenhouse is locked up tight, pond filled and we are ready for the snow. You ready? We'll hunker down for a couple days, the storms will come through and we'll have fun. I've got more of your food ordered on Amazon that'll be here on Tuesday. Everything will be fine.
Why, oh, why will I not stop talking? I just taunted fate to her face.
Day of Storm Beta
Holy snow batman. So. Much. Snow for Oklahoma. It's still falling. And it's cold. So cold. Except in Lil Bit's house. It's like a sauna from hell. I haven't slept in two days because it's so hot but we've got power, internet and water.
Finished my first book and Momma is happy.
And I realize there is no alcohol in the house.
Prissy (dog), what is that in your mouth? Seriously?!?!? You bring a dead frozen bird into the house?
I spend the next thirty minutes trying to get it away from her.
Day Before Storm Charlie
Yeah...the sun is out! And I slept last night because I shut the heater vents and cracked the window during a snow storm in my bedroom.
Momma is worried about not having enough stuff to eat/drink during the upcoming storm and despite us having a fully stocked, back up pantry of her stuff it's best to get more to ease her mind because you do not try to reason with dementia patients.
I promise her that I will go to the store right after my morning work call...which she has now interrupted three times.
Walmart run done, but they didn't have the right kind of Boost so I decide to run to Walgreens. None there either so I buy the "regular" Boost and wine...lots of wine, because Lil Bit just called me while I'm driving through snow drifts to tell me we are low on "the stuff we feed the one things in the house."
Which is code for millet for the doves.
Halfway through the second book. Bird feeders refilled. Glass of wine down. Come on Storm Charlie.
Day of Storm Charlie
Night was good. Lil Bit and I have had a good morning and are having fun. I decide to jump in the shower before my first work call.
Ah...hot water. A shower always makes you feel better.
Why is there no more water?!?!? What is going on? I still have shampoo on my bald head that I have to rinse off with a bottle of Fiji water.
Fate has decided to get off the bench and here we go. We now have no water in the house and it's snowing. Hard.
Crap on a cracker. Good news is that shitty childhood equals I'm your guy in a crisis so I swing into action. Grab the milk jugs Momma uses to water the indoor plants and fill them from the hole that's still open but rapidly freezing over in the koi pond. Buckets filled from the snow drifts with snow.
It's going to be ok I say to myself as I jump on a Teams call for work. Five minutes I feel a tap on my shoulder and Momma is there asking loud enough where everyone can hear...how do I poop with no water?
And Saint texts me to tell me that there is water flowing out of our laundry room.
Dammit! I forgot to bring in the outside scooter and it's now covered in snow. I somehow drive it through the door while holding it open myself.
Lil Bit is trying to clean all the snow off it and spreading it everywhere in the sunroom. I grab all the guest towels, throw them on the floor and push it all into a dam around the scooter. Problem fixed.
Day Two of Storm Charlie
We've covered How to Poop Procedures ever hour on the hour.
I've answered questions about how Charlie the Cat is surviving, what's wrong with the water (water mains are exploding all over town is the issue), that we have enough food for a long time, that I am ok with work, when The Black Church special on PBS comes on, how much she needs to eat, and many, many others - many, many, many, many, many times.
And I'm now having to break ice to refill the water to poop jugs.
No hope on water from the city.
Book two done. I'm running through wine way too fast. And it's still snowing.
And she just ran over my foot with her mobility scooter. And stopped on my big toe when I yelped.
The nail is black and starting to throb. Second book done. I head out to fill the milk jugs and notice that the decorative fountain pot is literally cracking in front of my eyes from the ice.
And I yell at the birds to slow their roll because I refuse to fill the feeders again.
The Angel texts me later that evening after the snow stops to ask if I would like her to come tomorrow if her husband is able to clear the way to the highway. I think she knows I'm about to lose it. I respond I could use backup if she feels safe driving.
If we both are going to live I need help.
Day after Storm Charlie
I get up early to shovel the sidewalks and the driveway. Pretty easy. The snow is very light.
Still no water. So I grab a pot, fill it with snow while filling the milk jugs again, and throw it on the stove to boil so I can wash dishes. Easy.
Ten pots later I have two inches of hot water. Why does it take so much snow to make a little water?!?!?!
The house is a disaster. I haven't been able to mop so there are dirty foot and pawprints - mine and the dogs everywhere. The recycling and trash is overflowing despite me taking it out twice per day. Dirty clothes are everywhere. I can smell myself and it's not pretty.
I tear up when The Angel walks into the house. She takes charge of Mom and I am able to get some work done.
I head out into the cold to fill the milk jugs again, slip on the ice, crack my knee, spill a jug of water all over myself and when I look up I notice that we have ice dams forming on the house.
I grab a hoe and proceed to start chopping ice dams. The last one I break proceeds to shoot water all over me.
I am soaked, freezing and bruised when I walk into the house and see Lil Bit grabbing the milk jugs and watering plants with them.
And I explode.
Fortunately I keep it together long enough to tell The Angel I am going to run to Leslie's parent's house to shower and take a quick break before I break.
I turn the shower on as hot as I can, get myself clean, sit down in the tub and then fall asleep in the tub until the hot water runs out.
When I get back to Lil Bit's I grab a glass of wine, start streaming some Nature for us and finish my third book...like nothing happened at all.
At one in the morning I wake up to the sound of the water running in the shower. I evidently never turned it off.
That's nice. I roll over and go back to sleep.
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