Mama Tried

"Shit, shit, shit. I'm so sorry Momma. I didn't mean to hit you in the head with that hose. Are you ok?"

"Well I'm still here. It's not like I didn't try to kill you a lot when you were growing up," Lil Bit says with a sweet, angelic smile. "Sometimes I'm surprised you made it to adulthood."

For those of you with really active imaginations who went to a really dark & twisted place, she didn't actively try to commit infanticide. It's more that she was a little distracted (a lot) and was not a helicopter mom, a mama bear, or an overprotective mom - to use terms from today.

No, my Momma, was the original combination of the Free Range and Career Mom. Although that might not be totally correct. It was more like being raised by wolves.

We both laughed about it and then proceeded to joke about all the ways Momma Tried to kill me when I was growing up while finishing up watering the greenhouse.

In Utero

Lil Bit suffered several miscarriages and was told that it would be almost impossible to have a baby. She and BD had always planned on adopting so they moved their plans up and adopted my brother (7 years old) and sister (14 years old).

And, like happens to so many others, Momma then got pregnant with me.

Most who had been through what Momma had been would probably play it safe.

Nope.

She went about her life - fishing, operating and all the other stuff that needed to be done at the farm.

One summer day, Lil Bit noticed that some shingles on the house were loose. Rather than waiting for someone else, she proceeded to grab a hammer and nails and crawl across the roof with her pregnant belly. Once she was done with the shingles, Momma stood up and fell through the roof.

Her belly (me) caught her and wouldn't let her fall further until she was found a couple of hours later - perfectly fine but pissed that the roof needed to be fixed again.

Three months old

Momma loves to fish. And having a newborn'ish kid was not going to stop her when the fish were biting.

One warm, early spring day she loaded me up in the station wagon and headed to our farm pond to wet a hook in her search for catfish.

She laid me down on a blanket on the bank and then proceeded to throw her line in. Almost immediately she got a bite and the match was on. While the battle between Lil Bit and fish rages everything else is forgotten. They are one tied together by line and hook.

Momma battled that cat until she eventually landed that 25 pounder. It was at that point she looked over at me asleep on the blanket.

The next morning Lil Bit bundled me up tight, dropped me off at Rachel's and took off like the devil was on her tail with the excuse of an early surgery.

Thinking she had pulled it off, Momma leisurely pulled into the Hospital parking lot where she saw Rachel standing beside her car holding me...and Rachel was ticked.

You see, Rachel had unwrapped Lil Bit's Irish & English bundle of joy to discover little ginger me the color of a McIntosh apple - red, red, red. Evidently in her lust for catfish Momma had forgotten about sunscreen and I still have the freckles to this day.

Two'ish

"Dr. Johnson, Rachel is here and says something is terribly wrong with the baby," the scrub nurse told Lil Bit that morning during a routine gallbladder removal.

"I'll be there as soon as I close," Lil Bit replied. "I'm sure he's fine."

While waiting for Momma, Rachel had told the nurses what had transpired that morning. Evidently I had toddle into the kitchen where Rachel was decorating a cake and let out a loud belch that smelled like death.

This continued for another hour with Rachel asking me what happened and all I could reply was "mulsion. mulsion." The smell coming out of my mouth would make Rachel gag. Convinced that I had eaten something I shouldn't have and was dying, Rachel proceeded to rush me to the hospital.

Eventually, Momma wandered out to the ER desk where Rachel was with the nurse. Rachel could tell that something was up and that LiL Bit knew more than she was letting on by her sheepish grin.

"What have you done to my baby now Doctor?"

The story then came flowing out. Momma had mixed up a a bucket of fish emulsion fertilizer the night before and hadn't been paying attention to me when thirsty me proceeded to take a big swig from the bucket of Alaska's finest ground up salmon offal fertilizer.

Not deadly, but Rachel sure didn't appreciate Lil Bit's jokes about me suddenly growing after the incident.

And it continued...

Three'ish

Forgot that I was with her and was loose while looking at a construction site. I proceeded to trip over a board and cut my forehead open. Still got the scar.

Five

"Honey, eat your sandwich."

"No! It tastes weird."

After several more rounds Momma picked up the ham and cheese sandwich she had made me with lettuce, smelled it, saw something and proceeded to throw it in the trash.

It wasn't until years later that I discovered that she had had fishing worms in the house fridge and when the lid was not put on tightly they went walkabout and had established a country home in the very lettuce she had used on my sandwich. Yep, I ate worms.

Six

"You and Leslie are old enough to take the golf cart of the mailbox by yourself. You can just stand up to reach the gas."

Fifteen minutes later the golf car is on its side, Leslie's leg has been scraped like parmesan and new rules for driving the vehicles have been put in place until she tells us we can take the moped out ourselves a couple of weeks later. And Leslie's leg had just healed so beautifully when we scraped it again.

Seven

Besides liking to fish, Lil Bit also loves the lake. The freedom of being on the water. The laid back attitude.

When I was younger we had a small place at the local lake and a boat. One beautiful summer day, Momma took myself and several other kids out in the boat and headed for the far shore. She pulled up on the shore, the kids jumped out and swam and Lil Bit cast off the back of the boat.

Soon we saw one of those late afternoon storms that seem to pop up a lot in Oklahoma, so Momma got all the kids into the boat and proceeded to slowly proceed back across the lake because she had several lines that she wanted to try on her way back.

All of a sudden Leslie yelled that there was water coming into the boat and covering her feet.

Sure enough, the boat was taking on water but Momma was not sure from where. She told us kids to start bailing water while she reeled in her lines and then hit the gas.

All of a sudden the water was gone and didn't come back until we parked at the dock.

Yes, if you have figured it out, Lil Bit had forgotten to put the plug in the boat.

Nine

Strep throat. We don't need to take you to see the doctor. Here take this expired goat antibiotic. It's that same thing.

Ten

"This old farmer I know gave me these expired fireworks he found. Why don't you go have some fun honey." All fingers, toes and other appendages are still miraculously accounted for.

Eleven

"Can you hold this while I finish welding it," Momma said one really cold winter day.

I said sure but let me put on some coveralls. I run back outside, grab the piece she wanted me to hold and then turned my head not to look into the arc while she finished her garden fence.

Soon I smelled something strange. A burning smell.

The next thing I know Lil Bit is hitting me, pushing me to the ground and yelling for me to roll.

She had set my coveralls on fire.

Thirteen

It's a cold fall day when Lil Bit decides its time to plant the thousands of daffodil bulbs she has ordered. I'm happy to help because any time I can get time alone with her is few and far between.

We bundle up and Momma proceeds to show off her new toy. It's a three foot long auger that attaches to her electric drill. The plan is for Lil Bit to drill the wholes and I will place the bulbs and cover them back up.

We establish a good rhythm and were doing quite well even though it seemed to me the drill was a little powerful.

Then Momma realizes that there is a little area by my arm that she missed.

She proceeds to drill right next to my arm and the drill immediately hits a tree root and jumps. It grabs my coat jacket and starts spinning my arm; all while pulling in the cords, Lil Bit, a stray dog and everything in its path.

Finally as the drill is scraping my arm and my face it unplugs itself from the extension cord.

As we proceed to untangle it all and treat the wounded (me, and me alone), I discover what happened. Lil Bit didn't check the recommended size drill to use and had used the most powerful one she could find.

As I got older I would start to look at anything she did with a questioning eye. What had been forgotten? How would this end badly for me? Where are the escape exits and the fire extinguishers?

I became a little adult. Which seemed sad at the time but has served me well as I have aged and in my career.

Emergency? I'm your guy. I've probably experienced it at the hands of my Momma before or seen it. Need to figure out how to do the impossible? Look no further than here. Want me to poke holes in your foolproof plan? Pop the popcorn and let's have some fun.

Trying to kill me?

I survived growing up with Lil Bit as a mother.

Do your damndest.