A View to a Kill

I'd be lying if I said I had never thought about it.

And, if you're a caregiver, you know you've thought about it too. Or you are a horrible liar too.

It was in a dream the first time.

I dreamed about cutting the brake lines on Lil Bit's mobility scooter and letting her drive into the koi pond.

It felt so real that I woke up screaming. And I checked the Iron Horse's brake lines when I got to Chickasha the next day.

The next time that it happened we had been out driving and had stopped at the top of a hill to take in the view of the Washita River valley. It was a beautiful view. Lil Bit said something about "what a view" and I being a child of the 80's and James Bond movies replied "to a kill."

And of course like clockwork, I had a dream that night about being a Bond villain and taking out Lil Bit and a number of other folks with electric chairs at Thanksgiving dinner.

All I could think is "what the ever loving fuck is wrong with me." I'm not really a violent person.

I would never intentionally hurt my Momma but something deep inside me was cracked or so I feared.

Dreams can be funny things.

They can entertain. They can make you smile. They can scare the shit out of you and make you question your sanity.

Because it wasn't Momma that I wanted to kill. It was the concept of caregiving that I wanted to kill. The constant demands. The lack of freedom. The crushing guilt of thinking I wasn't doing enough.

And that I needed a break. Once I realized I needed help and set aside time for myself - the murder dreams stopped.

But The Saint checks the brake lines every once in a while...just to be sure.